today i was reading up on this journal and the old one, just as a way to see how i’ve grown and how i’ve changed…

here’s what i found:

“realizing that my life is not my own and that it is not about me is one thing that has kept me going despite everything else. god is the universal constant- never changing, always there. i’ve been inspired to seek excellence because i know that god has great plans for me. i’m destined to do something great- and while it might not be great by the standards of men, it will be deemed great by god…and that’s really all that matters. 1 corinthians 2:9…one of the things that still continues to frustrate me are people who are so excited to tear you down and then pretend to be your friend. people who are so content with remembering the past. i’m glad that i have salvation that makes the past- just that- the past. i’m so glad that god is pruning me to get those people out of my life, because i don’t need any dead weight hanging on to me. so…i’m not really trying to hear any mess, and it’s cool if people got something to say about me- they talked about jesus, malcolm, martin, fannie lou, and errybody else…so OF COURSE they’ll talk about me.” ~november 2, 2004

“…and while it was good, it took god getting my attention for me to realize that it wasn’t where i was supposed to be. after all, everything that you think is good isn’t good for you, and changing after becoming so used to your life the way it is can be very difficult. i’m grateful for god’s grace and his mercy, as well as peace that transcends ALL understanding. and then there is JOY…one of the things that i am kinda still working on is trying to recognize people for who they are as opposed to who they claim to be. i know that god is pruning me and removing people that aren’t supposed to be in my life because they could be hindering me, but i will admit that knowing this doesn’t diminish the hurt that i feel in these situations. once again, the peace and joy that i receive from god is so amazing that it makes all of the struggle worthwhile. after all, jesus never said it would be easy- he did say it would be worth it.” ~october 31, 2004

“…this year i’m going to truly have to be strong and keep my faith in the lord because i feel the pressure coming from all directions. the lord has been entrusted me with a lot, and i fully intend to be about his business. as ada says, it is my PURPOSE, my DUTY, my WILL to be a FAITHFUL servant. i refuse to be discouraged and i refuse to give up…so anyone or anything that is keeping me from fulfilling my purpose to the utmost of my ability better watch out! i have the lord on my side and i have the lord in my heart…and that’s really all i need…” ~september 3, 2004

“…on another note, i realized today that our memories can be some of the worst tools that we have; allowing us to painfully recall things that we thought we had forgotten. i need to do some inventory on what i remember, what i should remember, and what definitely needs to be forgotten. sometimes i feel like i’m stuck in rewind, but the world is in fast-forward and then i’m left to play catch-up. just a huge ball of confusion, and not enough time to ever sort things out.” ~june 20, 2004

“sometimes i don’t know if i’m coming or going, and this weekend has definitely one of those times. it’s the culmination of a very long week and a week that was very emotionally draining. more and more, i’m learning to lean on god and to trust him and to stop putting my trust in other people. it’s a difficult thing, because it’s something that i’ve never had to do before. there has always been someone there for me; i’ve always had someone to lean on. it’s a strong sense of realization that no matter what, god is always there. i’m grateful that i’m getting to that point where i can take things to the lord and trust that he’ll work everything out for my good…that said, i’m looking forward to a blessed week full of joy. still trying to overcome some things, but my biggest thing now is being able to forgive myself…” ~april 19, 2004

“patience is a virtue, and i’m praying everyday that god will grant me more patience than i have now so that i can stay in his will and fulfill the purpose that he has for me. it’s very difficult knowing some of the plans that he has for me, because in some cases i want to take matters into my own hands and accelerate the process. god’s time is perfect time, and i know that he will work and twerk all the details of the situation for my good. so, thanks god for the lesson that i am learning. thank you for being who you are, thank you for what you’ve done, what you are doing, and what you are going to do. thank you for the revelations i continue to have in my life in regards to this situation and may i continue to follow you and your path and not stray into what i want. yay…i already feel better about this situation. patience, patience, patience…” ~april 9, 2004

“…i feel like everyone is coming into their season and i’m just going through my wilderness. it’s good though…cause when i’m out, i will have grown so much. i’m thankful for the wilderness experience, so that i can be refined to what god wants me to be. i’m not gonna front like i’m not struggling and like it’s not hard…but i take the bad with the good, knowing that i can do all things through christ and he can do all things but fail…”~april 2, 2004

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“I think of my life as a kind of music, not always good music but still having form and melody. And my life has not been a full orchestra for a long time now. A single note only- and that note unchanging sorrow. I’m not alone in my attitude…it seems to me that too many of us conceive of life as ending in defeat.”~John Steinbeck

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken—and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived…I’m too old to shoulder the burden of constant lies that go with living in polite disillusionment.” ~Rhett Butler, “Gone with the Wind”

“observe constantly that all things take place by change, and accustom thyself to consider that the nature of the universe loves nothing so much as to change things which are and make new things like them. for everything that exists is in a manner the seed of that which will be.” ~john steinbeck

“The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”~Mother Teresa

“only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”~eliot

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so…looking at that, i can see that it HAS been a LONG time coming…and that through it all god has kept me. not because of anything that i have done, but because he loves me. oh what love he has for me.

at the same time, i can feel all of those emotions, remember all of those situations that i was going through and in some ways, i can identify with how i’m feeling now. at the end of the day, it all comes down to who/what you’re going to live for. i’ve decided to live for god, and it hasn’t been the easiest. there have been times where i thought that i have failed. luckily god’s plan and his ability to work isn’t contingent upon my understanding…

i am currently trying to trust and surrender to god, and this is honestly one of the most difficult things that i have done. to act out of faith instead of fear…to truly trust that god ALWAYS keeps his promises despite what the circumstances look like. god has NEVER let me down and i suppose if i keep that thought in mind, then everything will be okay.

dear god, i love you and i praise you for who you are and for all that you’ve done in my life. so many miracles, so many second chances, so many times that you could have let go, but you didn’t because you love me. i am so grateful that i know you as my savior and as my friend. god, i ask for your help as i try to get closer to you. give me the strength to keep going, even when it looks like all the odds are stacked against me. thank you for all the blessings that you have given me. i could never praise you enough. thank you for not letting me let go…