sometimes you have to give yourself what you wish you could get from somebody else…

for so long i’ve been trying to figure out what i want to be, who i want to become, where i am and what i’m doing. and for so long that has all been done at the subjection of others. perhaps that makes me wack…or maybe it just makes me brutally honest.

i’ve been majorly indecisive about a lot of personal decisions- not so much about what i want to do and how i would go about it. i’ve seemed to have mastered the professional aspect, but have yet to conquer how to truly be decisive about my feelings. sometimes that’s a good thing, but i’m not sure that i am really confident that my indecision has served me well.

i will say that part of my indecision has been rooted in my severe dislike of change. and i know that change is the only thing that is constant. you’d think that after 22 years, i’d have gained a better mechanism to handle change or at least a desire to handle it better. however, i’m still struggling.

at the end of the day, i just want to be happy. but i wonder how much i might have missed because of my reluctancy to change, and my desire to control.

so it stands true- sometimes you have to give yourself what you wish you could get from somebody else. all that acceptance, the looking for other people to make decisions…it’s gotta come from me. and no better day but today…

“everyone sees who you appear to be. few experience what you really are.”
~machiavelli