“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.”
~Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption
It’s with those thoughts from one of my favorite movies that I write about how I’m managing (or rather, not managing) the grief that I feel from my grandmother’s death. In a lot of ways I’m still in shock. It’s still very hard to believe that she’s not here. I suppose this will be an uphill battle, and I’m definitely having good days and bad days. The worst days are when something good happens, or when I just want to talk and I have to remind myself that I can’t call her anymore.
I know that it would have been selfish for me to ask God to prolong her stay on earth despite what His plan was, and how she may have been feeling. But in a lot of ways I feel frustrated- particularly with my family- who didn’t tell me the extent of her sickness because they didn’t want me to worry. I feel that I was cheated of opportunities to talk to her, or even see her sooner than I did. I trust God and His plan- but I can’t help but feel frustrated, confused, and even alone in this situation. I feel that I’m at a point that has the potential to be very defining- my desire to do things has diminished. I don’t want to finish school, I don’t really want to work- staying at home and eating cereal while watching Cosby Show and Gilmore Girls reruns seems like the ultimate plan, and the only thing that I’m really excited about. Nothing “newsworthy” seems that exciting to me (hence the lack of updates of this blog), and for the first time in a while, I just feel blah. Nothing REALLY matters to me.
So yeah…that’s where I’m at. Y’all pray for me…I don’t know whether I’m coming or going…