Around this time last year, I wrote a post: “What happens when you outgrow your friends?”. Ironically enough, I find myself asking the exact same question now.
As my life shuffles and changes, and I prepare for what’s to come, I realize that I miss the friendships that I had with people before. However, perhaps the faulty logic for me comes from the fact that I had unrealistic expectations from my friends.
We’ve gotten older. We live in different places. We have different demands and priorities. It’s completely unrealistic to use the college mold of a friendship to fit my real world scenario. And if I’m honest with myself, we’re all different people. Not necessarily in a bad way, but because of all the things that I’ve mentioned- age, different environments, different demands and priorities, even different experiences- my friends and I have changed.
Does that mean that we can’t be friends? Not at all. Some of the people that I cherish most are people who’ve lived their life completely different from how I choose to live mine. However, through mutual love and respect, we’re able to maintain a friendship where each person is their authentic self .
However, as the title of this post says, I’m understanding where I fit in the lives of some of my friends. Not quite a priority (actually nowhere near a priority), but if I ever REALLY needed something, I honestly think they’d be down for the cause. But that raises a question: If I/our friendship is not a priority, should I be calling you in the event that I REALLY need something? My thought is no. And I say that because, if you’re placing a different value on the friendship/relationship than I am, the perceived/potential outcome of a situation where I need you is going to be different for you than for me- because your view of what’s important is different from mine. Perhaps a better explanation might be like this: Michael Jordan and I place a different value on $1000. In the event where $1000 is lost or at stake, the outcome of that situation will be different because Michael Jordan views $1000 differently than I do, and because his view on how important $1000 is/how much of a difference $1000 could make is different from mine.
I’m digressing. But I suppose that it’s possible that I have indeed outgrown my friends. And while I still very much cherish the memories and the role that they’ve played in my life to help me become who I am, I’m done shouldering the efforts of keeping in touch and being aware of life updates. While one could argue that having that role is where I fit in the friendship, I would maintain that even if that were the case, there should be some type of reciprocity.
That said, I’ll go forward from this with a greater understanding of my role in their lives, but also a greater understanding of the role of this friendship in my life. I’m still blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and love me dearly, even if it’s not those who I thought would be with me at this part of the journey.
Until next time…
life beyond the well... 
April 21, 2009 at 11:10 am
things that make you go huummm…
good post, i think it’s a real life look at real life relationships. Take it for whats it’s worth. If the friendship is still worth maintaining, then both parties should be involved in the maintenance. If not, remember the good times and memories that you all have shared, and keep it moving, no hard feelings.
April 21, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Friendship requires work. It’s a two way streak. It requires nurturing. Communication… these things are key.
Yes we can go back and think on the good times and pick up conversation from where we left off but if time has lapsed in between that, then you have missed out on things going on important to me. You don’t know me…because humans are ever involving.
So if I am not a priority in your life anymore. You are not willing to put in the communication or reach out to me. Then maybe the friendship is not worth it to you.
Its not a bad thing. Its life.
April 21, 2009 at 6:53 pm
*ever evolving
April 21, 2009 at 6:54 pm
*two way street…
geez Erin, I don’t proof read when i am at work. Geez
April 21, 2009 at 10:48 pm
“Two way streak” may be quite accurate Twilla. They can be streak. Friendships do require work, but as our lives change, so do our priorities. I don’t think that it necessarily means that the friendships are diminished however, just different. Some require more work than others and in my experience, some that don’t require as much work are often the strongest. If we think about the context in which some of the friendships were originally formed, it’d be hard to actually maintain that level of contact and still continue growing in other parts of our lives. So change gon’ come and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean that the friendship is any less valuable. I don’t know what $1000 feels like so, I can comment, but I’ll continue to add my two cents whenever possible friends. 😛
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