I wish I could say that’s how I feel. Right now, I honestly don’t feel that there’s anything beautiful about this struggle. While I do still feel that I’m incredibly blessed (because I truly am), I am also feeling overwhelmed by life.
My spirit is tired. And in all honesty, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need to clean house; get some things out of my closet. I want nothing and everything all at once. I don’t want to change people or circumstances. I want to change me.
There’s only been a few times in my life where I’ve felt like this. I’m expecting for there to be major life changes…because that’s always been the result before. But unlike the times before, I feel that there’s suddenly more required of me; there’s more expected from me. I’m not sure if I’m qualified or if I’m even worthy.
To say that I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders would be a slight understatement. The desires of ministry feel so heavy and burdensome. And it seems that there’s not a single person who understands.
I want to steal away, live irresponsibly, not worry about yesterday, today, tomorrow, or years from now. I want to be able to honestly feel like my real friends are indeed my real friends- who are free from passing judgement on the decisions I make and who love me enough to tell me the truth; who are helping to encourage me as I go along this journey; who aren’t too busy to help, to call, or to visit.
This isn’t a crisis…its a reality of how I feel. It may not make sense, but it doesn’t have to. Feelings are rarely rational, and I’m not sure if these are. But it’s how I feel.
Right now, I’m trying to keep my hope in Matthew 11:28-29. Be encouraged…
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” ~Matthew 11:28-29