In some ways, I’m sort of amazed by the title. I mean, it is what I came up with. However, why is it that we have to choose to love? Shouldn’t that be something that happens automatically?
A good friend of mine and I are in similar situations, and we’re both taking the opportunity to choose to love. As females, (and we pride ourselves on being STRONG females), we’ve found it particularly difficult to express the freedom and vulnerability that comes with choosing to love. It’s not that we’re in love. We’re really just in like…and exploring what could come. But even in this- there has to be an openness and a freedom of being able to give it your all- even if it doesn’t turn out right.
And then you ask yourself- doesn’t that person deserve my best? This person just came along at this point in the journey. They aren’t responsible for what happened before. They can’t change what happened before. None of us can change what happened before. All we’re given is now- and we’ve got to make it count. I’m feeling that the best way to make it count is by consciously choosing to love.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.” ~ 1 John 4:18, 19
May 5, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Interesting you would be talking about whether or not this person deserves my best…I was just talking to my boyfriend about that a few minutes ago. So great blog post topic.
You have also got me thinking about the statement that we can’t change what happened before. My thoughts immediately go to, that we can change how we view what happened before. As I continue to find valuable life lessons in each experience.
Thank you for your thoughtful post.
May 5, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Thanks for your comment! I definitely agree that we can change how we view what happened before. We can choose to be pitiful or powerful, and I think that we spend a lot of time being pitiful and feeling sorry for ourselves for things that we aren’t responsible for. A change of perspective would serve us well in a lot of situations- and that’s something I can stand to remember myself 🙂
May 6, 2008 at 9:34 am
I was just talking to a friend about this as well. It might be the most frustrating thing about black females ever — especially college educated, “independent,” living-my-life-like-i’m-golden — black females.
It’s ok to need someone. I had to tell a friend that the other day, basically spell it out as if it were some foreign concept. “It’s ok to need someone,” I said slowly over and over again. Just because you’re saying you need someone doesn’t make you vulnerable or weak, it just makes you more human.
May 6, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Rell, I think its interesting how you refer to this as an independent college educated black woman thing…
Its more of a pride thing. Who really wants to put themselves on the line and be vulnerable…when there is a great chance you could be playing yourself. Thats not a independent black woman thing…thats a human thing. It’s a defense…
while we are on the topic of being “in Like” ( I SOOO FEEL YOU SISSY) I thought I should pass on some advice one of my friends gave me. If you know her, then this analogy won’t sound to far fetched…
*don’t worry Erin, i’m going to make this sound as nice as it can*
Love is like that uncomfortable gas bubble that you know you have to let out…and its only going to come out one way…
Some people try to ease of this discomfort by slowly letting it go *the silent one* but they are still uncomfortable. Stomach hurting and all…
However, it is usually the bold person who lets it ALL out! Loud , stinky and unlady like…
but at the end of the day they feel great! And we ALL wish we could have been as bold.
Love is like a Gas Bubble…its natural…so just let it go!
May 6, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Worst analogy ever?
May 6, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Is it really the worst analogy ever? Perhaps gross…but umm, I think it’s a relatively good description! Sorry, Rell!
On the other hand, I do think that it is difficult in general to be able to be vulnerable and admit that you need someone. However, we (as strong independent black women) have to remember that needing someone doesn’t make you weak; and admitting that you need someone is really an acknowledgment of your strength (i.e.: I’m strong enough to know I can’t handle this on my own).
Perhaps we should throw out the word “strong” all together when describing the new age black woman…
May 6, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I guess it doesn’t work for everyone…but if u think about it…it makes sense
but then again, maybe its only an independent educated black female thing 😛
May 6, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I must say Ms. Davis that was a short but strong post. I believe that choosing to love someone is something you do only as you get older and have had experience in the misadventures of love.
When we are young we are curious to explore life and love. Most of us try them both in many ways with a wide range of open expectations. Even if your idea of love at 13 is holding sweaty hands at the movies, you are willing to try it regardless of consequence. It just feels good.
But with each closure in a relationship, our views on love and how we let ourselves love become more and more narrow. I think something that is of more importance is letting someone love you back (Big ups to Teddy Pendergrass!). A reciprocated love is the thing that makes letting loose and loving someone a beautiful thing.
I also ask that our single independent educated black females be more open to the idea of love from anywhere. Between the adversities they face outside of the home, their strong sense of independence, and the growing lack of men they consider “equal,” I feel their numbers will grow exponentially.
So Ms. Davis I raise my glass to another fine post and I also raise my glass to love, in all of its strange, heart breaking, yet wonderful variations. One…
May 7, 2008 at 9:46 am
Love is like that uncomfortable pair of adidas that you know you have to let go of…and its only going to come out one way…(by throwing them away)
Some people try to ease of this discomfort by slowly wearing them only in the house but they are still uncomfortable. Feet hurting and all…
However, it is usually the bold person who buys NIKE’S! Loud , flashy and unlady like…
but at the end of the day your new NIKE’s feel great! And we ALL wish we could have been as bold.
Love is like trading in a pair of adidas for NIKE’s…its natural…so just let the adidas’ go!
May 9, 2008 at 4:08 pm
BEST analogy ever.
May 11, 2008 at 2:50 am
I’m glad Carmen feels me!!!
Rell, I guess…
May 11, 2008 at 9:13 am
don’t defend her Carmen — lol.