this is a brief part of the spoken word piece that i performed at World Overcomers Christian Church at a talent show in early December…

this is my testimony

something i usually don’t share because people usually don’t care about the things i’ve overcome or the things i’ve had to bear

it’s usually about what you see or who you think i could be but not about what i am spiritually

but it’s been a long time coming…it’s been a long time coming

when my father wasn’t there, when my “friends” couldn’t be found, when i used the physical to make me emotionally sound;

when the money wasn’t there, when i had no reason to care, when my fear of facing god was more than i could bear;

when i had nothing to give, when i had no reason to live;

when i fell short time and time again, when i knowingly committed sin after sin;

when the reflection in the mirror wasn’t what i wanted to see, when i begged god to come in and change me

and i see i knew better.

i had always been the over-involved church kid.

i knew that in the beginning there was the word and the word was god.

but with all the knowledge i had gained over time, i couldn’t fix my mind to seek god to find the answers to the questions i was asking;

i couldn’t fix my mind to seek god to find the fulfillment for what my spirit and soul were lacking

but god found me.

in the midst of a mess, a test, a trial, a tribulation

in spite of all the mistakes i had been making, god continued to order the steps i was taking…

****************************************************************

there’s more to the piece…but the part above is, to me, the most critical part…it’s my story…

well, i haven’t written in a LONG time…after Thanksgiving Break, i was swamped with finals and all other types of activities that come along at the end of the semester. however, i MADE it…and i’m officially a second semester senior at the university of north carolina at chapel hill. i will be applying for graduation soon…and may 15, 2005 is well on it’s way here. it’s been fun…but i stole this from my friend holly- “waiting for the time when i can finally say that this has all been wonderful and now i’m on my way…”. that pretty much sums up my thoughts about college AT THIS POINT…i’m sure somewhere down the line i’ll be really nostalgic and sad about leaving carolina…but right now…BRING IT ON!

i’ve been busy working and stuff, so i haven’t taken much time to really reflect on 2004…but i will say that i have learned a lot and grown so much over the past year. god has continued to prove himself to be SO WORTHY to be praised…and in all honesty, if he never did ANYTHING else, he’s ALREADY done enough. i say that so much, but i honestly mean it. god has taken me through many seasons, many changes, and allowed many people to come and go in my life for many different reasons. nevertheless, he’s still been there for me and he’s been better to me than i’ve been to myself. i am so thankful of all that god has done for me in spite of all that i haven’t done…in spite of my shortcomings and my failures god continues to make ways for me…sigh…god is SO good…

this CHRISTmas holiday has been a very interesting one as well, in that i’ve been by myself for most of it- working and relaxing (relaxing = sleeping and/or watching tv). it’s been difficult in some senses because i haven’t really been around any family other than the traditional gatherings on christmas eve/christmas day and i do miss my family a lot. despite the anguish i feel about my family situation, i know that i have reasons to be thankful- some people don’t have families at all and other people have family situations that are a lot worse than mine. at the same time, i have still been blessed- i was able to see friends that i haven’t seen in a while and that’s always good. there’s comfort in knowing that in some cases, “the more things change, the more they stay the same” and that you’ll always have some people on your side, in your corner. at the same time, john legend hit it right on the head with lyrics from the song on his album, saying,“do you remember when family was everything? it was so long ago and so much has changed…i wanna go back to those simple days”

so i think i’ll end this out by saying my goals and hopes for 2005…but also by noting that i’ma make another entry directly after this with my spoken word that i performed at a talent show hosted by World Overcomers Christian Church…not really spoken word…but it’s something near and dear to my heart. so yeah…goals for 2005-

*grow closer to god–maintain a close walk with Him (reading the Bible more, praying more, etc.)

*increase in faith–acting out of faith instead of fear

*ensure that my actions are rooted in love

*keep christ alive in ’05

everything else…will handle itself…as the word says-

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” ~Matthew 6:33-34

i’m outttttttttt…….