I wish I could say that’s how I feel. Right now, I honestly don’t feel that there’s anything beautiful about this struggle. While I do still feel that I’m incredibly blessed (because I truly am), I am also feeling overwhelmed by life.

My spirit is tired. And in all honesty, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need to clean house; get some things out of my closet. I want nothing and everything all at once. I don’t want to change people or circumstances. I want to change me.

There’s only been a few times in my life where I’ve felt like this. I’m expecting for there to be major life changes…because that’s always been the result before. But unlike the times before, I feel that there’s suddenly more required of me; there’s more expected from me. I’m not sure if I’m qualified or if I’m even worthy.

To say that I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders would be a slight understatement. The desires of ministry feel so heavy and burdensome. And it seems that there’s not a single person who understands.

I want to steal away, live irresponsibly, not worry about yesterday, today, tomorrow, or years from now. I want to be able to honestly feel like my real friends are indeed my real friends- who are free from passing judgement on the decisions I make and who love me enough to tell me the truth; who are helping to encourage me as I go along this journey; who aren’t too busy to help, to call, or to visit.

This isn’t a crisis…its a reality of how I feel. It may not make sense, but it doesn’t have to. Feelings are rarely rational, and I’m not sure if these are. But it’s how I feel.

Right now, I’m trying to keep my hope in Matthew 11:28-29. Be encouraged…

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” ~Matthew 11:28-29

I’m sure this isn’t a phenomenon exclusively to the Atlanta area. Now there are rent-to-own shops for RIMS for your car. Don’t worry if you can’t afford those 22’s. Now you can just pay a little bit each week to floss like you’re the boss…

You can check out this article from the AJC. But no worries, I’ve included an small part here:

Can’t afford to lay out $2,500 for four wheels worth of shine? No credit? No problem. You can rent them, and eventually own them, sometimes for double the cash purchase price.

Ego is fueling the buying spree, said Larry Sutton, the president of Rent-n-Roll, a 60-store chain that claims to be the biggest of its kind. “We want to feel good about the way we look: ‘I don’t want to wait for that. I don’t want to save for that. I just want it.’

Damn that instant gratification! Look where it’s leading us now…