we can always look back and see how we would have changed things. because we don’t always handle situations in our life the way we should, or the way we wished; we become regretful, remorseful, and consumed wondering about the “what ifs”. i’m currently in one of those situations. i handled a situation in a way that i shouldn’t have, and i’m currently dealing with the consequences…which are very painful. i’m in a healing point, and i’m super sensitive about things right now. it’s very difficult. i’ve been struggling to eat and sleep…but god has kept me.

god has definitely been with me through this time. in some ways i’ve been going through the motions, but at the same time, i feel closer to god. i feel that i’m being cleansed and that god is working with me…i’m just trying to be open and receptive to what god is telling me. god is testing my faith and my obedience and i don’t want to let him down. i’m about to walk into my season…i can feel it. what is key for me is to get past the disappointment that i feel within myself and really focus on the things that god is doing for me.

i’ve probably been praying for myself and for others more than i’ve ever done in my life. i’ve always prayed, but i haven’t quite been the prayer warrior. however, i feel like god is raising me up to be one, so we’ve been talking quite regularly.

despite all the hurt that i’m feeling, i’m SO excited about what god has for me. the visions are becoming plain…and it’s all about getting there. god has a plan and a purpose…and a time. patience…lord grant me some….

so here’s what’s been inspiring me, despite the storm:

*new pre-faith testimony and walking in expectancy

*Romans 8:18- “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

*god ALWAYS keeps his promises…

*my friends who have been praying with me and for me…and who have also been listening to me.

*finally…i LOVE that god loves me so much that he sees fit to test me…that is SO tight…

today, i got to see my kids from mississippi, who i haven’t seen in like a year and a half. they are in town for the MLK Celebration that is taking place at Duke. they’ll be doing some workshops and stuff. i’m so excited about all of the stuff they are doing. the kids are so big now, and they have grown up so much. they are going to do GREAT things. to find out about my kids and the program, check out www.sunflowerfreedom.org. it’s an AWESOME program–it definitely changed my life.

because the kids were in town, i went to white rock with them, and the pastor preached from the purpose driven life series. it’s been a little over a year since i read the purpose driven life, and even then, i didn’t read it properly, so i decided to read it FOR REAL this time. anyhow, his sermon was based from the 12th chapter of the purpose driven life, which is about developing a friendship with god, and he took his scripture reference from the 4th chapter of james, verses 1-8. what stood out to me, from this passage was “…you do not have because you do not ask God. when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. you adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God. anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God…” (verses 2-4)

i don’t know why those verses spoke to me so much, but i do know that for this year, i have been desiring a closer relationship with god, and i was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed; even discouraged, because i hadn’t been following the plan that i had made exactly the way i wanted to. however, after today’s sermon, i realized that while it is important for me to read my bible and devotional every day, it’s also important that i spend time engaging in HONEST conversation with god. in addition to this, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to be friends with god, if i don’t obey him (see John 15:14).

so…i got a lesson today, and i am BLESSED!

hymns that are inspiring me:

just as i am:

“Just as I am, without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me, and that thou bidst me come to thee, O Lamb of God, I come, I come…Just as I am, thou wilt receive, wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve; because thy promise I believe, O Lamb of God, I come, I come… Just as I am, thy love unknown hath broken every barrier down; now, to be thine, yea thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come, I come.”

nearer my god to thee:

“Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! E’en though it be a cross that raiseth me, still all my song shall be, nearer, my God, to thee; nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!”

pass me not:

“Pass me not, O gentle Savior, hear my humble cry; while on others thou art calling, do not pass me by. Savior, Savior, hear my humble cry; while on others thou art calling, do not pass me by. Let me at thy throne of mercy find a sweet relief, kneeling there in deep contrition; help my unbelief. Savior, Savior, hear my humble cry; while on others thou art calling, do not pass me by.”

and the eternal favorite, amazing grace:

“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see. ‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved; how precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed. Through many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come; ’tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

okay…i’m outtttttttttt